A 1.5 Star Review of the RylanCorley™

Rylan Corley

kermit on a couch the real one

Review written by “Literally Anyone”

1.5 STARS 

Fine except for the laughing

I purchased a RylanCorley™ only a few months ago, and for the greater part of the time, it performs adequately and functions smoothly. It acts exactly as the product description lists, except in one respect. The company conveniently neglected to inform customers of this unexpected defect, so I believe it is up to the general public to provide fair warning for any future owners of a RylanCorley™. Some may not even consider it a defect, but at very least it is an often-relevant quirk that should be known and understood by shoppers. 

It laughs. Now, I am fully aware that all such products of the human variety innately contain certain factory presets, and the action of laughing is among them, along with breathing, hunger, anger, tears, and other such necessities. However, this RylanCorley™ laughs differently. His laughter lexicon contains a curious kaleidoscope of utterances and exclamations, each one both slightly and distinctly different from the others. Such variance in these humorous outputs, in my opinion, is rather off-putting and bothersome. 

Allow me to provide examples of only a few situations in which such behavior is best exemplified. Keep in mind that these are but a few examples out of a vast multitude, as any RylanCorley™ is generally predisposed to laugh at just about anything. 

Myself and a group of friends were gathered for the purposes of having a movie night. It just so happened that the movie to be viewed was The Princess Bride, which just so happens to be one of the top movies in the RylanCorley™ database. As such, the frequent instances of wit within the film were especially entertaining to it, provoking much laughter. For most of the movie, everything was normal and ordinary. Then, the scene came when Buttercup veritably hurls herself down a hill after Westley, rather than running or walking or anything else remotely normal. This activated the RylanCorley™ laughing systems, and suddenly it was making a very different noise than before. This laugh, if you can even call it that, was a quick, repetitive series of low, loud sounds that seemed to be coming from deep below the tongue, but also somehow from the chest. After that, it was rather difficult for me to relax and enjoy the rest of the evening. 

In another instance, a large assembly of our friends and I had congregated at the restaurant Cookout in the late hours of the night, as young people tend to do these days. Amidst the general cacophony of chatting and joking, there suddenly arose a boisterous, full, howling hyena-esque noise. Knowing immediately that it must have been my RylanCorley™, I chose to simply ignore it awkwardly. That said, I could never forget it. 

In the most rare instances, when its humor sensors detect something that is deemed extremely funny, the RylanCorley™ systems will activate a laugh that doesn’t even make any audible noise. Instead, the entire body of the device seizes and doubles over, and the features of the face contort, relocating themselves as easily as if they were the ears, eyes, nose, and mouth of Mr. Potatohead. 

In short, I am still unsure as to whether I need a refund, a repair, or a rum and coke. If none of these, at least an hour of silent, serious, laughless solitude.