Sonic the Hedge Fraud

As I left my high school English class, I received two texts — one from each of my brothers. It was a link to the trailer for the new live-action “Sonic the Hedgehog” movie, followed by various emojis indicating shades of disgust. They only text me about the ‘big stuff’ — birthdays, breakups, new music, and videogame to film adaptations. I eagerly clicked on the link, wondering what could have elicited this reaction. We had been anticipating this trailer for months.

As I started watching, I felt my mouth fall open in shock. The horrifyingly tiny eyes lacked all of Sonic’s depth of feeling, and the previously unassuming mouth had a disturbingly human quality. His teeth were the off-putting kind of perfect that typically characterizes the rich Hollywood elites, manufactured veneers that seemed to hide something deep and sinister. All of his former magnificence was reduced in an instant. This is not a hero of worlds; rather, his purpose seems to be reduced to mere mimicry, a creature desperately trying to pose as a human. Outrage and indignation coursed through my veins. Paramount Pictures was doing the unthinkable – ruining a beloved childhood hero.

Growing up with two older brothers ensured I received an adequate education on all things digital. My brothers found me an easy opponent and willing student. They especially enjoyed teaching me how to play video games, as it almost always guaranteed them an impressive win and some type of reward for their instruction. Although, eventually, I picked up on the fact that they would also just do it for free. One of my favorite games to play was “Sonic Adventure 2”. Sonic’s disproportionately large eyes made him seem so accessible, creating a feeling of familiarity and fascination. Playing as him gave me the ability to take on a new persona — to feel confident and strong, opinionated and powerful, when in reality I was not.

Surely Paramount must have known that this version of Sonic would not be received positively. You cannot convince me that a media juggernaut armed with talented artists and animators thought this was the best representation they could produce. It must have been a ploy, a simple publicity stunt to generate outrage that could be harnessed into praise and interest with a new, revised version. They introduced issues in the design so that they could respond to the critiques voiced by fans. This set the stage perfectly, allowing them to reenter as heroes of the public, as gracious producers who care about their fans.

Now I know CGI takes a lot of work, but it is apparent that Paramount always had the resources necessary to create the better product. Only a couple months later they introduced the new and improved Sonic, and fans everywhere breathed a sigh of relief. It all seems a bit too convenient. What better way to gain public approval than by creating a problem so that they could be the ones to solve it? Playing the part of both Dr. Eggman and Sonic? It’s good business.

I will never know for sure if this is true, but I will always believe that they were just keeping their better Sonic under lock and key, setting the stage for him to emerge as a hero and keeping me on the hook for his adventures. Ultimately…I’m just glad he got out.