The University of Alabama: Real or Fake

The large brick buildings. The bright green grass. The excessive smiling. The unrelenting commitment to the color crimson. This is exactly what you are thinking—fake. Set up to make The University of Alabama look like a real school. Of course the large communal groups of students are laughing while “working”. They are all hired to act like students. The only real thing about the university is their sports program. The classrooms are filled with backup actors and cobwebs. It is all a ploy to be able to participate in different college sports leagues.

For years, the university has gotten away with this. It only gives tours on certain days to keep up appearances. But when the unlucky few who expect to be real students arrive, they must face the truth. They are simply the next class of actors trained by professors to make the university look like the movies. There are no orientations or graduations, just students caught in the university’s schemes – betrayed by the fine print.

You have heard the ghost stories. The Haunting of Old Bryce Hospital. The Haunting of the Tom-Bevill Building. Those are not just generational tales. They are true. They define the university. No one who enters leaves with their soul.

Have you ever wondered how the mulch maintains its fresh look or how the grass is never overgrown? Well, it’s because landscapers come early every Monday morning to keep up appearances. Any flaw will cause questions to arise, and that is the one thing the university wants to prevent.

Then, there are the animals. If you asked any student if they have ever seen a bird on campus, they would say no – especially not in the trees. They may be far up above, but never too close. Why? Because it’s all a simulation under a large invisible dome that is funded by all the sports spectators. If the athletes perform badly, they must serve two semesters as a student actor.

On the rare occurrence that there is a “class,” I can assure that they are not simply learning the basic subjects. Instead, they are perfecting the illusion – mastering how to embody the ideal student. Open your computer. Drink your energy drink. Look interested. And most importantly, smile!

The proof all lies in the bell—Denny Chimes. It keeps the actors focused, but no one seems to question who makes the sound. It is the screams of all the student actors who lost their souls to the university. So, the next time you think about the university, remember their lost souls and say a quick prayer. You don’t want your voice to be the next one captured.